Nothing ever seems to turn out like you think it’s going to. I’m learning, slowly to accept this.
Part of the plan with the mastectomy was to find and biopsy the sentinel lymph node (the one closest to the tumor?/ most likely to have been cancer-a-nated). When the surgeon removed the sentinel node he “didn’t like the looks of it”. It was very hard and was quickly tested and proved to be positive for cancer. He explored the other nodes and didn’t like the way they look either so he took him out as well. I will know those results tomorrow, but his experienced opinion is leaning toward positive. Even he is hoping, as we all are, that he is wrong but this is not his first rodeo. If I have four positive nodes I will need to undergo radiation (super hero building block, eh? eh?) The radiation affects the skin and tissue and could change the implant and all kinds of other bad stuff so the general surgeon postponed the reconstruction (totally what I would have chosen
had I been awake to make the choice by the way. Yay dr. G!).
Oh well. There goes that plan. Maybe it’s the high level narcotics talking but – wherever dude. So I need to add another step to operation ass kick, oh well.
The tear summoning part is not being able to make any plans for a while. What will I be doing next month? Beating cancer. In July? Same. September? Probably still kicking ass. I like my job and want to go there. I would like to see everyone I love. I would like to go have a big ole Nola benefit blowout. And I will. I just don’t get to know when and that is frustrating. I like being in control! So I’ll take a deep breath and let things come as they may. “one step at a time” as mom says. I need to continue Preparing for what is right in front of me, take care of it, recover, repeat.
I’m not being wise – I just don’t have another choice. Forced wisdom.
Knowledge is learning something every day. Wisdom is letting go of something every day.
So as not to be completely cheesy I will admit I read this zen proverb on a bottle of kombucha but it’s a good ‘en as beverage bottle quotes go.