One is the loneliest number

Bone scan in- it’s all good. He did print a picture for me and it IS totally awesome. I definitely have a curved spine though- wowsa, how did I make it this far without getting that taken care of, sheesh. When all of this is in the rearview, it’s chiropractor time. It is also not awesome seeing how much “grey area” is around the bones. My, they are well insulated.

Surgeon drained some fluid that was building up near the surgery area, totally normal stuff. That made it feel a lot better actually, took some pressure out of my underarm. He also did something that, turns out I have been putting off more consciously than I thought. He took the rest of the tape stitches off the mastectomy scar…

-cricket, cricket-

I am really pretty emotional about it.

I’m totally taken aback by how emotional I feel about it actually.

It’s not like I didn’t know my breast was gone. I’ve had no problem looking at it, showering, peeling a couple of those tapes off. I guess I didn’t realize those last few little pieces of semitransparent sticky tape were in some way separating me from the reality of it. The tapes were the reminders that I recently had surgery and that medical stuff was happening and it is a transitory phase of some kind and whatnot. Now that they’re gone it’s just me…and a big ass scar. And I look at it and every bit of reason and logic is gone and every grounding thought I can usually find has left my brain and I’m just … really sad.

Then I get mad because I know this is normal, I have read the books, I have heard the ladies use the phrase “mourning the breast” but I’m mad because I, foolishly thought I was cooler than that. I’ve never been particularly emotionally attached to to the things. I don’t equate them with my womanhood or my beauty. To be quite honest they are kind of a pain and I thought my super awesome attitude would somehow protect me from have to go through the trouble of “mourning the breast”.

Turns out, not so much. Bitch.

All the annoyances and frustration of being 100% asymmetrical came crashing down on my poor little sleepy head. My lack of control of this situation drew out my lack of control of so many others situations and made my blood boil and my tears flow.

Getting all this out is helping them dry up and I just filled up my sweet new water bottle Kellie gave me so I won’t get dehydrated. Logic, sense and composure are starting to roll in in waves. And there is a very good chance I will go right to sleep.

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